Hollywootopia
by Seizurefag
Summary: Nick and Judy are spending some time together when Nick decides he want to visit an old friend. I really don't know how I feel about this one.
1. Chapter 1

_This little idea moved into my head today and for some reason decided to take a more permanent residency than others of its kind. I present to you:_ _What Is This, An_ _Unoriginal and Lazily Written Crossover Episode?_

Over the clinking of utensils and dishware that permeated throughout the old diner, Nicholas Wilde's voice carried like a siren's call, luring all those within earshot to his presence and enthralling them with his charm and wit. Despite the hustle and bustle of the overworked servicemammals each trying to earn their college tuition, the fox was experienced when it came to speaking over busy crowds. Yes, Wilde was the type of fox that could easily maintain an audible volume without ever letting it become _too_ audible- otherwise his recent yet vicious mockery of the overcompensating tiger at the far side of the restaurant could have earned him more than just a few chuckles. He was kinda skilled like that; a little fact of which he would _never_ fail to remind you.

"... So that's when I said, 'Who cares; just give me the rope already!'"

Judy groaned in response to the punchline of Nick's "true" story. She wanted to tell him off for his boasting, but his little congregation was eating it up as if were the most captivating thing in the world, and Judy was never the type to interrupt anyone's fun- that is, as long as it was legal. Besides, Nick's stories would often involve detailed descriptions and Judy's bravery and skill as a cop, so after all the shit she had to go through as the world's first rabbit officer she felt that she deserved a bit of ass-kissing every once and a while. Even then, she would have to interject her point of view into the stories to make sure mammals gave Nick the credit he deserved, too: after all, was it not Nick who had come up with the plan to put blueberries in Bellwether's custom-manufactured nighthowler pistol during the chase at the Natural History Museum? Was it not Nick who later casually suggested in the middle of Bogo's annual safety lecture (much to the buffalo's great annoyance) that the Armaments Dpt. try to replicate Bellwether's design, which in turned insured the ZPD a more effective and ethical solution to administrating TranQ to aggressive criminals from a safe distance? Was it not Nick who risked life and limb to use said pistol to save Judy's skin a total of three times already while on the beat? Was it not Nick who-

Judy was shaken out of her musings when she realised that she had been asked a question by a member of the small audience that had gathered around them. She briefly cursed both Nick's charm for attracting these people and her own social ineptitude for not being able to interact with any of them as she stammered out a brief response to the vixen that Judy assumed had been the source of the interruption.

"Y-yes, it's true." _Judy, you are one smooth bunny_

A collection of bemused expressions and sympathetic looks went through the crowd. Judy's brain, which finally caught up to her, immediately set every switch to 'panic' as she realised that it would have been a better idea to admit that she was spacing out than to admit to whatever the heck she had just been asked. Horrified, she looked up to Nick, sitting next to her with tears leaking out of his eyes as he tried to repress a laugh that threatened to shred the last pieces of the rabbit's dignity.

"What? _What_?! Nick, what did I just admit to?" _Oh lord,_ she thought, _it had nothing to do with her and Nick, right? Their relationship was still casual and she didn't just make it awkward, right?!_

"Relax, **'Jude the Dude,'** no one's said anything."

Oh.

Oh no.

Not only did Nick somehow figure out that archaic and downright demeaning nickname from her youth, but now _eight whole other strangers_ now knew? She could see the tabloids now: "Officer _JUDE_ Hopps? Find Out The Inside Scoop On How This Once Inspiring Doe Turned Buck!" or "Watch as Stupid Bitch Fox Lady #SpillstheBeans on Last Night's Embarrassing Bunny Blunder" Her eyes narrowed as she saw that same attractive vixen bitch that asked her the question and how buddy-buddy she was getting with Judy's Best Friend in the World: Mr. Nicholas Wilde, ZPD (You're Welcome For That Badge by the way). What had previously been obscure was now clear: that vixen wanted to be with Nick. and was just using Judy's distraction as a stepping stone! Judy decided she wasn't hungry anymore, and the group's jovial mirth turned into open ridicule within her ears. She hopped down from the stool, grabbed her coat, and immediately took off into the night air-

-and just as quickly regretted it. The freezing air instantly sobered her heated head, allowing her to figure out what had just happened. Tabloids? 'Fox bitch?' What rational part of her mind thought that those eight mammals cared enough about a silly nickname to try and generate drama about her? Oh lord, _did she just get mad at Nick for cracking a joke_? That was Nick's defining characteristic; their entire relationship was built upon the witty banter they shared with one another. How could she get mad at him for that? This was supposed to be a night out between friends and she probably just ruined it. _Good one, Judy,_ she thought, bitterly. _Real smooth_. However, determined to never let a mistake go uncorrected, Judy sped back to the diner at a brisk pace to hopefully catch Nick for an apology before he left.

She was back at the entrance when someone stepped out of the shadows of the parking lot. As the light from the diner spilled out of the windows onto the pavement below, it illuminated the stranger's face. It was red and sharp, matched with beautiful emerald eyes that were saturated with concern.

"O-oh. Nick.

"Look, Nick, I'm sorry that I stormed out of the restaurant like that, I-I just got really flustered about my childhood nickname and, in an ironic turn of events, lashed out in an incredibly immature manner. I now understand you were just picking on me because you somehow learned my old nickname which I'm still curious about but I blamed that poor vixen and she probably doesn't even know who I am and I got mad at her because I thought she wanted to replace me as your friend because I assumed she wanted to get close to someone famous to become famous herself and because of that I thought she'd tell the Midnight Star that my parents still call me 'Jude The Dude' in public and because of that it's somehow proof that I'm still just a carrot farming bunny and everyone that reads it would would make fun of me and my family despite them being good people in their hearts even if they tend to get overbearing and-"

"Hopps, remember to breathe."

"Oh, sorry Nick." She inhales. "Whew. Okay.

"Reacting based on emotion instead of logic was most unlike me, Nick, and I'm sorry that you had to see me embarrassing myself like that."

A beat passed before Nick's trademark smirk returned.

"Alright, Carrots, here's the deal:" he bent down and pulled out something from behind his back, "I came out here to find you and tell you that you forgot to grab these earmuffs for your sensitive and floppy bunny ears-"

Judy interrupted him by hastily grabbing her earmuffs back from him. _I'm sorry for making you feel humiliated in public_

"-and also that I took your leftovers; which, might I add, so kind of you to have left them behind for me- very thoughtful. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to put them into this convenient styrofoam container for safekeeping, and you know how much I love second-hand food. I was gonna eat it myself, but since you're here, I wouldn't want to make you feel left out."

Judy took the food box in her paws and slowly met his eyes. _I'm sorry that I ruined your appetite and interrupted our night off-duty  
_

Nick, however, continued right on in his classically facetious way, "Still and all, while you're busy internalising your eternal gratitude towards me, I yet sit here, worse for the wear. My fancy dinner night has been tragically cut short, Carrots, what ever am I to do? Now, I _was_ considering going home by myself, reheating this cold food in a microwave and putting on some recent blockbuster- I was thinking maybe that new Captain Zootopia or Deadpoodle- but if you feel the _absolute need_ to externalize some of that aforementioned gratitude, you're welcome to join me. Oh!- I hear Nutflix has the rights to show _Arrestud Antelopement*,_ which is absolutely insane because I was actually on that show. But hey, that's only if you're willing to pay off any part of the gratitude you still owe me; which, as we clarified earlier-"

Judy cocked her head, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Oh, right, your eternal gratitude towards me. Color me surprised: I didn't realise that you could internalise it _so_ well that you would have forgotten it had even existed. Well, if you'd like, I know some _great_ therapists that would _just love_ to-"

"Not that part, asshole." Judy give him a light punch on the arm, trying and subsequently failing to appear irritated at him. "Alright, fine, let's go watch this stupid show of yours."

Nick responded with a self-satisfied look before taking off in the direction of his house. "Sure thing, darlin'. One underappreciated series coming right up!"

Judy quickly followed suit, grateful that Nick had forgiven her so quickly for causing such a scene over such a trivial gag. Maybe she _should_ see an expert about her fears of failure some time soon, but she quickly decided that it could wait. Right now, Judy wanted nothing more than respite from the cold night air and a silly show to watch with her best friend in the whole world. Judy's thoughts were interrupted when she noticed Nick was eyeing her.

"You know," Nick slowly began once he realised he'd been caught, "You looked absolutely adorable when you stormed out of the diner in a blind rage."

Judy looked blankly at him for a split second before she returned a sly glance in his direction.

"You know," she started, "I should definitely be warning you that bunnies don't tend to like it when non-bunnies call them 'adorable' and whatnot."

"Yes," came the snappy reply. "You definitely should."  
_

 _*Author's note: kill me_

 _Well, that ends 'chapter' 1 of the first fanfic I've ever written. I've never even written greens before, so I really want your criticisms so that I can improve. Don't think of me as a writer, think of me as some dick that wants attention. As for how this story's gonna go: I just hope I don't decide to write adultery or suicide into my first fanfic ever._

 _But, yes, this going to be a crossover fic. I certainly don't know how it'll turn out, but we'll see when we get there.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

"Nick."

"Yes, Carrots?"

"This fox doesn't even look like you."

Judy had faced lot of disappointment in her life. As a child asking her parents for approval, she was crushed to find that they would never believe in her dream of becoming a police officer. As a teenager going to the school dance, her heart broke to hear that pretty boy Fiver was taking Rosianna (who, in her envy, Judy likened to a fat slut) instead of her. However, nothing had prepared her for the moment she stepped inside Nick's 'mechanical penthouse.' What she had failed to realise was that the term stemmed from slang the repairmen gave it to openly mock the amount of time they had to spend inside of it. In truth, it was just little more than a glorified boiler room that Nick had embellished with some appliances and furniture. The building that housed it was seated at the very edge of the city between the suburban areas near the Rainforest District and the actual city itself, an offering that Nick referred to as "the perfect blend between survivable environment and cheap housing." Judy couldn't help but feel the fox was being a bit generous with the term "survivable" (Judy found herself being forced to duck under large piping to even get through the door), but when considering his continued effectiveness on patrol, she eventually opted to let it go. Still, she felt guilty that Nick was living in such squalor. Even The Grand Pangolin Arms offered a complimentary de-lousing once a month and a location close to work. Reflecting on all the times Judy had criticised her partner's inability to arrive to work on time, she had begun to feel the slightest tinge of regret.

The regret did not last long, however, for as soon as Nick brought her to his "Nick-elodeon," the feeling was replaced with envy. That, and an intense desire to hurt him for such a terrible pun. Despite the run-down appearance of the actual 'apartment,' Nick lavished attention upon the furniture choices when sprucing it up. The pair were currently stretched out on opposite ends of a luxury sofa, watching _Arrestud Antelopement*_ on a 50 inch Lion Goldstein television. "$200 a day, fluff," Nick reminded her, furthering her confusion about the so-called suite in which he resided. Moving past that, they settled on spending the time cracking jokes at the characters' expenses. It had started out innocently enough: Judy would complain about the plot, Nick would set up a joke, Judy would miss the opportunity to deliver the punchline, and then Nick would chastise her for her absolute lack of wit.

Needless to say, the night was going perfectly.

That was, until Judy's criticisms changed from the characters and instead began to bear down upon the actors and screenwriters. On the screen, the fox protagonist, Mick, was in a heated debate with his horse brother, Cob. They were chasing each other around a courtyard in a personal squabble over the love of Cob's spanish ibex girlfriend. It was here that Judy decided to reveal her doubts about Nick's claim that he was in fact the famed fox on the screen.

"I guess that just goes to show you how good of a job the prosthetic makeup department did," came Nick's easy reply.

"You never seriously expected me to believe that, right? His head isn't even the same shape as yours, Nick. In fact, I'll list the similarities: you sound like him and that's it. That's the only similarity. It's less believable than a horse and a fox being brothers fighting over a relationship with a goat."

Nick, slightly hurt by both Judy's rejection of the fact that he was the actor for Mick _and_ for her discrepancies with interspecies relationships even to this day, decided to make a joke about it. "Aww, come off it, Carrots; jealousy is unbecoming."

"Among the differences between you and Mick," retorted Judy, "perhaps the most major is his selfless attitude and kind nature."

"Ooh, that stings," Nick admitted in a mocking manner, "I take pride in my generosity, and to hear those words coming from you causes me great pain.

"Speaking of generosity-" Nick got up to go to his refrigerator on the other side of the the floor, deliberately walking in front of Judy just as the ibex in the show started yelling at the brothers for fighting. Ignoring Judy's look of annoyance at the interruption, he entered his sorry excuse for a kitchen before calling out: "-Hopps, did want anything from the fridge?"

"Yes; I want you to put on an actually _good_ show" Judy teasingly responded.

She barely had time to react as a water bottle came careening dangerously close to her ears. It bounced harmlessly off a nearby industrial heat vent, but Judy gave a small chuckle at the gesture. _That's odd,_ thought Judy, _the use of light physical violence as a form of affection is usually my thing._

Nick unceremoniously plopped down on the couch next to her with another two bottles, offering one up to her as a token of piece.

"There, Carrots. Don't let me ever hear you slant my good nature ever again."

Judy pretended to gasp. "Good nature? Heaven help us, what have you done with the real Nick?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some confusion. You see, I'm clearly not this 'Nick' you keep referencing; I'm the actor for Mick in _Arrestud Antelopement_. I didn't realise that you were confusing Nick and I for the same mammal this whole time."

Judy raise an eyebrow at him and, smirking, went back to watching the show. Together, they let the conversation drop for a little while, silently agreeing to watch the show with just each others' company. Eventually, the episode was over, and the clock was nearing a time at which busy officers needed their rest. Nick was getting ready to turn off the television when Judy finally broke the silence.

"Nick, why do you live like this?"

Nick was slightly taken aback, but responded quickly: "Well, Rabbit, it's because the place is so very peaceful that it makes it rather difficult to be frustrated while in the comfort of my own home. Isn't it you that loves to complain about their crazy neighbors that keep them up all night? Maybe bunnies work differently, but we foxes like to get our beauty sleep every once and a while."

"Oh, harr harr," responded Judy, sardonically. "But that's just the thing, Nick; when my neighbors are yelling at each other, it's much easier for me to focus my frustration towards them than think about all the things that I failed to do that day. Sometimes it's nice that you have something to vent about to your friends without having to truly open up about your fears and self-doubts to do so."

A beat passed before Nick realised he was still staring at her. During this time, the still running Nutflix had switched to the next episode in the season.

"Wow, Fluff," He started.

"How uncharacteristically poignant."

This time, it was Judy's turn to hurl something at the source of her displeasure. Fortunately for Nick, she had already drained her water bottle of contents and it lost all momentum by the time it made impact. Nick braved a response:

"Wow, you should be glad I'm not a perp or I would have just laughed at you. As it is, I'll let you off with a waning that hopes you never attempt to catch anyone that isn't Weasleton." Nick looked back at the television for a brief moment before re-opened his mouth to speak.

"You know, you sounded so much like BoJack there."

Judy's confusion must have been evident on her face, because Nick gestured at the horse on the screen before continuing. "Cob's actor. There was something in the way you said that just reminded me of the weird things he used to say when we were alone together." Nick laughed softly to himself. "It's funny: you don't realise how much you miss someone until you start thinking about them."

Judy gave him a once over before saying anything. "Nick, you know I'll never believe that you were ever, in any life, the actor 'Jason Batemammal', right?"

Nick let out a soft exhalation out of his nose and smirked at her. "Oh, don't believe me? I'll get us all out to a fancy dinner sometime; you BoJack and I; and we'll all catch up on what we've been up to since we last saw each other. Who knows, maybe we'll even see if that old coot ever decided to settle down with someone nice. Probably not, though, that ol' scoundrel."

"Promise you won't just revert back to life of crime as soon as you two see each other again? If he was friends with you ten years ago, should I need worry about his criminal record?" Judy asked, with her eyebrow raised. "That aside; how does February sound? That's a slow month for crime, and we could always use the vacation."

"Sure thing, Rabbit, I promise to stay to the straight and narrow while with BoJack. As for next February; it's a date!"

Nick cringed internally at his phrasing, but outwardly made no change to his demeanor. Instead, he coolly moved to turn off the television when Judy interrupted him once again:

"Say, it's pretty late, and cold, and dark. You don't suppose..." She hesitated, the implications of her suggestion suddenly clear to her. Still, she pressed on, "This sofa is pretty large, right? I could feasibly just, you know. Stay the night? Would that be okay, Nick?"

Watching Judy stew in her own embarrassment was too great an opportunity to pass up, so Nick made sure to draw out his response for as long as possible. "Wellll, if I _could_ approve of it, I would have to charge you 500 bucks per hour that you spend wasting space on it. There are warranty violations to consider, of course; they say rabbits tend to destroy expensive burgundy furniture faster than any other animal in Zootopia, so I will definitely have to cover the risks that come with your proposal. After all, it _was_ because of you that I lost opportunity in the business that originally paid for this couch." Nick said, continuing to fuel his flopwop's fluster. Any mammal do the same- just look at her face!- but he realised that too much teasing might cause her to explode. For the sake of the work it would take to clean up such a fuzzy mess, Nick eased up on the poor bunny: " _Buuut_ , as a friend, I suppose I can give you the first night free of charge. "

Judy contemplated his words. "And what if I decide to ever come here again?"

"Well," said Nick, "You had better bring a checkbook."

And so, Judy and Nick fell asleep together on a couch watching a corny sitcom.

Platonically.

 _*Author's note: I still hate that I can't come up with a better pun than "Arrestud Antelopement"  
_

 _So, only ~4,000 words into this fanfic and I'm already procrastinating. This should have been finished Thursday, but I decided, "Nah, let me rewatch the entirety of the actual Arrested Development series and also put off other work because I hate responsibility."  
_

 _Thank you for reading it so far, and I'm sorry that anything interesting has yet to happen. I only hope I can fulfill that void in the up and coming one-page-length 'chapters'!_

 _Another thing to note: I changed the genre from "Humor/Angst" to "Romance/Angst" because I'm a massive WildeHopps fag who just remembered they can't tell a funny joke to save their life._


End file.
